Some supposedly innocent devices have such blatantly obvious masturbatory benefits. I remember discovering the miraculously relaxing powers of a “personal vibrating muscle massager” hidden in my parents’ closet.

Bright orange and shaped like an electric eggbeater, it had various attachments. My favorite was a cup-shaped massage head, which perhaps is the most accurate term to describe what I used it for in my voyage out of youthful sexual repression.

I must admit back in the day when people still had pagers, to at least once, setting it on vibrate and calling myself. I have often wondered what extras might be had with an electric toothbrush besides healthier gums and whiter teeth. I’ve also enjoyed sitting on the washing machine while waiting for my load to come out… Err, I mean that last bit figuratively. Obviously, the few times I’ve stayed in seedy motels, I’ve enjoying the soft caresses of a Magic Fingers™ vibrating bed.

Now I might have just found the world’s first full-body vibrator posing as an exercise machine that would give me a chance to practice my perversion in a roomful of sweaty men and women. Okay, perversion has happened before in front of a mixed crowd but I’ve never tried to pass it off as an actual alternative to the elliptical trainer, despite commenting on whether I found it all to be a good workout or not.

According to Real Tech News (07/19/06), the latest vibrating exercise craze claims to have many famous fans, including, surprise, surprise, Madonna. The machine is called the Power Plate™ vibrating exercise machine. Meanwhile, I think it should be called a standing orgasm in public but I digress. The theory is that while doing simple stretches while situated on its vibrating platform causes muscles to tire out faster therefore creating an intense workout after doing only ten minutes on the machine.

Its love, I mean, its valuable workout potential doesn’t come cheap, as a gym-ready machine costs $9250 and a personal version costs $3500. However, no pain, no gain, can one really put a price on coming out on top of one’s fitness goals?