I’ve always told my friends that if ever anything unforeseen happens to me that someone needs to clean out the porn and other hidden nasties before relatives come to claim my belongings. I’m not worried that my mother or my sisters will snatch up the dirty magazines or the other personal sex paraphernalia before my pals can claim the stuff for themselves, I’m trying to prevent a double funeral.

My mother might suffer a heart attack from the hard fact that I’m a pervert in my private life. My loved ones, at least related by blood have lived pious lives and they don’t approve of my black sheep ways. I’m controversial enough alive without shocking anyone to death when I’m dead.

Anyway, during a recent weekend spent with my family as per usual, I did feel neutered while censoring myself throughout the visit.

They’re conservative Christians but despite how the media paints the religious right that doesn’t make them naïve idiots completely ignorant of the ways of the world. Nevertheless, the spirit compels me to be diplomatic and to stop using profanity. However, they’re hardly tricked into but believing I’m some mollycoddled saint either.

However, according to the AP (08/23/06), on August 16, 2006, one Madin Azad Azim while in Chicago on transit to visit Turkey panicked when questioned about a sexual aid he packed away in his suitcase. When officers asked him to identify it, the man blurted out that it was a bomb as described by the Cook County Assistant State’s Attorney Lorraine Scaduto currently prosecuting Amin on felony disorderly conduct.

Meanwhile, the item was part of a penis pump although to officials it actually did resemble part of a hand grenade. Thanks, to Amin admitting later that he hadn’t told the truth because he feared his mother was within earshot, he could spend up to three years in prison.

Too bad, so sad since even with the latest safety measures banning some gels or liquids from carry-ons, the dude still could have toted a four ounce tube of lube past security to insure an airtight seal while pumping up the volume on his concealed weapon.