Not since a crazy episode of Nip Tuck have I heard of anyone using the lack of the male organ as a defense against accusations of a crime. Nevertheless, truth is sometimes stranger than fiction and occasionally it seems that courtroom, comedic dramas like Ally McBeal and Boston Legal accurately reflect some of the mischief that goes on in the judicial system. Yes, I do watch too much TV sometimes but even if you don’t, this next story will elicit a chuckle or two.

According to a story reported by Kilbret Markos of the North Jersey Media Group (04/11/06), Joseph “Donald” Scordato an elderly man, 81 years of age when faced with charges of lewd conduct in state Superior Court in Hackensack, New Jersey claimed it was impossible since he hasn’t got a penis.

A beautician from a nearby salon passed by his car parked across from a local movie theatre and claims that the old man was masturbating in plain sight midday September 16, 2005. He could face up to 18 months in state prison if convicted.

At the time of his arrest, he claimed that he has issues with dry skins and has an overzealous tendency to “itch” it. Meanwhile, after arriving to court in a wheelchair he promptly fell asleep while awaiting his arraignment. When awoken by the judge he explained that he wasn’t able to hire a lawyer since he’d been in the hospital. He asked if it was okay for him to represent himself.

The judge replied with the classic line, “Then you will have a fool for a client.” Bada-bump-bump!

Mr. Scordato was previous convicted in 1997 for a similar offense and received a sentence of 3 years probation and mandatory counseling. As far as the Assistant Bergen County Prosecutor Dave Calviello is concerned, there is absolutely no evidence that the accused is lacking any of the usual accoutrements for a healthy man of his age.

Yet another reason to be glad of not serving jury duty in New Jersey as one can well imagine what is going to be chief defense Exhibit A once the case reaches trial.