Who would think that I could find yet another way to tie Shocking Cocks to Christmas? I can assure you my mother never imagined that when I grew up I turn into such a blasphemous pagan, but that’s what’s happened somehow. I had better be careful or lightening may strike me down but I could resist reporting on a scandalous tale regarding the supposedly true “reason for the season.”

David Farley reports on Slate (12/19/06) of the ill-fated theft of a sacred religious artifact. Most of us, regardless of religious views know that Jesus was a Jew. It’s therefore logical to know he was circumcised. What you might not have known is that residents of Calcata, a small town 30 miles north of Rome, believed they once possessed the small bit of flesh removed from the Savior boy.

Then in 1983, when this strange relic was to be marched through town during an annual procession in its honor, it turned up missing. The local priest had always safely guarded it in a shoebox in the back of his closet. Alas, when he went to retrieve it, it was gone and has never reappeared since. One also is surprised to hear Mr. Farley’s theory as to why. However, it helps explain why holy foreskin was hiding in a closet in the first place, since you’d expect it’d be kept in higher esteem than an old pair of shoes.

When the small piece of flesh was initially discovered in Calcata in 1557, the Vatican deemed it authentic based on a series of miraculous events that occurred in the village at the time of its discovery. Perfumed fog followed freak storms localized to the tiny community, so were taken as signs that it was the real deal. The Catholic Church at the time offered 10 years of indulgences to any pilgrim who came to venerate the little piece of Redeemer.

However, at the beginning of the last century the Church decided people bowing before the remnants of what was supposedly the turtleneck of divine manhood was inappropriate. A deed so distasteful indeed that anyone referring to this ill-viewed relic was to face excommunication from the faith. That certainly put a stop to most pilgrims coming and the site was removed from any pilgrimage guides too.

The author suggests after a few interviews with people he describes as bohemians and after inhaling some unholy weed, which he started to believe the Vatican hired the thieves of said relic. I think he saw the DaVinci Code one too many times, as he pointed out the inevitable danger of someone trying to clone the Lord from these stolen cells. I wonder what the name of his dealer is.