... Continued from Diaper Fetish pt I

It's important to bear in mind that adult baby (AB) is not necessarily sexual, while diaper lover (DL) definitely contains sexual elements. Even among ABs, their desires are more often than not asexual when in a regressive state, although some ABs do identify their desires to a sexual "lifestyle".

A self-identifying Adult Baby, Tab, says, "From everything I've seen, when someone is in 'AB mode', there's no desire for actual sex there. I think a danger of having sex with someone in AB mode is that you could be accused of pedophilia, which is perhaps the worst thing you could be."

Tab raises an extremely important issue, and before there's any confusion, it needs to be emphasized that infantilists, Adult Babies, and Diaper Lovers have as much chance of being a pedophile as the general population. None of the activities that they engage in involves anyone but other adults. On the opposite end, children are featured dominantly in the pedophile fantasy. While the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) only gives a minimum of words to infantilism, and there is little research on AB/DL, there is agreement in the psychiatric community that pedophilia is distinctly separate.

When it comes to sex, DLs share a common interest with ABs, and that is diapers. However, it is here where the DL diverges. A Diaper Lovers relationship to diapers has more of a sexual focus. Adult babies derive a different pleasure that can encompass nurturing, comfort and regression. Many Diaper Lovers do not have an internal psychic relationship with diapers. The central, psychological core and external sexual focus for a DL revolves around diapers.

Although DL is a relatively new term, it's unlikely that DL is novel in the context of the history of human sexuality. However, there's no documented history to refer to, and the first historical reference, simply to diaper, appears to be from Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew, "Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper¹." Beyond this, there's little.

Unlike many other fetishes such as stockings or feet, DL is not as readily accepted among the general population. Even amongst the most accepting of fetishists, the BDSM community, DL can have negative connotations. In talking to a number of people in this community, the general and albeit sometimes mistaken impression of a Diaper Lover is 'an infantilist that enjoys scat and watersports'.

Certainly, it's not difficult to see that there's a lot of confusion about Diaper Lovers, and even to adults accepting of many fetishes there is a question of "responsibility" when faced with this fetish. After all, "what does it make me, if I enjoy having sex with an adult who alternately enjoys wearing diapers or wants me to wear them?"

This is not the easiest of subjects to broach because of fine lines between adult sexual interest and infantile objects. Confusion, a sense of being misunderstood, the self-responsibility in dealing with a diaper fetish is a dilemma that DLs face constantly.

When asked how a diaper factors into sex, a 21-year-old DL who prefers to be known as TeddyBoy says, "I don't think that I would want diapers to play a part in such activity. I wouldn't want anyone else to know about my weird little fetish. Oddly enough, I'd be fine with telling someone close (non family) that I do still sleep with a teddy (bear) because that isn't all that weird and some girls would possibly see it as something quite cute. Diapers, on the other hand, would not be seen as cute."

TeddyBoy is probably right in his assumption that diapers worn by an adult would not be seen as cute, and I would add, even seen as sexual.

I spoke with Dr. Brian Zamboni, a Clinical Psychologist and Assistant Professor for the Program in Human Sexuality at the University of Minnesota Medical School who specializes in sexual issues. Dr. Zamboni suggests that a majority of people would not understand. "There are many fetishes that people find fun, more titillating, or more socially acceptable. Diaper loving is unusual and hard for many people to wrap their mind around."

So, how can we understand the diaper fetish on its own and apart from AB and infantilism?

Another DL, Musashi explains how he came into his fetish. He had an early experience at three and a half years old, where he did not make it to the bathroom on time at a picnic. His mother did not have a change of clothes, and so dressed him in the diapers of a cousin. Even though the diapers were used as a surrogate for clothing, Musashi decided there was no need to use the bathroom for the rest of the day because it was acceptable to take care of natural business in the diaper. While he claims to have dreamt about diapers at about seven years old, it wasn't until he was 14 that he made his first conscious decision about diapers. He bought diapers for himself. He admits that he went out of his neighborhood to purchase them so no one would find out, and that once home, it took him a long time to find a good hiding spot for them. The moment he removed them from the package, he describes himself enjoying the feel of them, pulling at the plastic, and loving the smell. He decided to put one on and the result was an erection, and his first masturbation experience.

Musashi realizes that his fetish is not common, and states, as TeddyBear also does, "I have had very little luck with girlfriends, so as a result I have never had a partner let alone one that might have been willing (to participate in DL)."

This seems to be a common attitude among many young diaper fetishists I have spoken to who are in their early twenties. Certainly, finding a relationship where you can discuss a diaper fetish with your partner is not an easy thing, particularly if the majority of the general population, as Dr. Zamboni pointed out to me, "views DL as disturbing, different and weird. Diaper Lovers need to recognize this. They have to make choices and explore options. Most people want to be adults with an adult partner. Infantile roleplay and sex behaviour is not what the majority interest is."

Choices and options are certainly recognized by a young man who has been in a loving relationship with his fiancée for the past five years. Diapered Charles, as he prefers to be called admits he tried to be even more discreet about his fetish the closer he got to his fiancée. He had always felt quite alone in his fetish until he surfed the Internet and discovered there were many people just like him, and while he did not tell her immediately about his fetish, it did give him hope that there could be a day when he could divulge his secret.

"I never planned to tell her in any way, it sort of happened. We just got through with having sex and I decided to see if she had some sort of weird fetish that I could use to relate with her. She said that she did not have a fetish, but she could see that I had something on my mind, so she kept asking me if I had a fetish."

As Dr. Zamboni said to me, when there is a relationship, no matter how hard a DL tries to hide his fetish, many times the truth will come out. In his practice, Dr. Zamboni explains that he encourages his patients to make their own choices, and he further suggests that to tell a partner, a DL has to decide how important it is to that relationship.

It was important enough to Diapered Charles, and eventually he told his fiancée. She not only accepted it, but she also participates in his fetish, which is rare since most partners will support it, though it must be added that some will not at all.

"I do not recommend any DL telling their significant others until they feel as though they have been together long enough to expose such secrets," Diapered Charles says. "My fiancée told me that she would have thought I was a freak if I told her earlier in the relationship. She also said that she probably would have dumped me. As you can see, it was a risky chance that I took, but it has led to a really great relationship."

Being a Diaper Lover is not an easy fetish to deal with when it is your fetish. There's a huge stigma attached to it, especially since it's often misunderstood as infantilism. In this instance, it's very unlike many fetishes where you can easily find a partner to participate and yet, it is not unlike many other fetishes that enjoy object attraction, in my eyes. Diaper fetish seems to get a bum rap, but in reality the only difference between being a diaper lover and having another fetish like baby doll panties or the multitude of fetishes in this world, is people's perception of it - both those with the fetish, and those without.

References

[1] "Diapers." Wikipedia. Wikipedia, 2005. Answers.com GuruNet Corp. 20 Sept. 2005.